


and in the dark we will take off our clothes

by sloane (lesbigoblin)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Body Worship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Happy Ending, Light Bondage, Light Dom/sub, Nonbinary Character, Oral Sex, Secret Relationship, Trans Female Character, fancy clothes, fancy dance, loving relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:53:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25823203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbigoblin/pseuds/sloane
Summary: "i apologize," the guard replies, dry. "this parcel is for lady widogast's hands only.""ja, that would be me," caleb says, and she knows from the formal title who the box is from even before she sees the crest of den theylss carved into the lid.--essek invites the mighty nein to an important krynn gala as his guests, and his girlfriend, caleb, spends the night afterwards.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 7
Kudos: 71





	and in the dark we will take off our clothes

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT: this is what we call "wlw shadowgast" in the business. 
> 
> caleb is a trans girl  
> essek is a nonbinary lesbian who uses he/him pronouns (a hesbian, if you will)
> 
> comments are on review just to prevent anyone from having to look at transphobia or lesbophobia that anyone might think to leave here.
> 
> that being said, i hope you enjoy! these headcanons are super important to me as an nb lesbian myself and i hope you will like them too!

"caleb!" beau calls out. "get your ass out here! package for you!"

caleb is jolted out of her work, a small splash of ink dripping from her quill, leaving a stain on the page of her spellbook. she clicks her tongue, resolves to fix it later as she stands up from her desk. the edge of annoyed urgency in beaus voice is enough to send her nearly running down the hall to the front door. 

beau and jester stand there, facing a Krynn guard standing outside. despite the armor and helmet obscuring nearly their entire body and face, caleb can read frustration in the angle of their shoulders, their frown, their white-knuckled grip on the wooden box they're holding. 

"come onnn!" jester says as caleb approaches. "we promise to give it right to her and everything! we wont even peek!"

"i apologize," the guard replies, dry. "this parcel is for lady widogast's hands only."

"ja, that would be me," caleb says, and she knows from the formal title who the box is from even before she sees the crest of den theylss carved into the lid. 

\--

she quickly takes the box back to her room, even amongst beau and jester pestering to see what's inside. normally she wouldn't be so secretive, but, circumstances as they are, she thinks its alright, just this once.

tomorrow marks one of the few days of the year where the magical darkness over rosohna will be lifted in celebration of the luxon's light. to celebrate, the bright queen hosts a gala the night before, and the mighty nein have been invited to this one as personal guests of den theylss.

between the dance and caleb and essek's particular. arrangement. caleb has a decent idea of what will be in the box.

hands shaking, stained spellbook forgotten, she flips the latch with a heavy click and pulls back the lid.

the first thing she sees is a letter, the wax seal the exact same design that is carved into the lid. she breaks it with little thought. 

[if she stares at it for too long she is forced to remember that essek is who he is to the dynasty and caleb is who she is to the empire, and that its far more complicated than the fuzzy, tentative moments between bedsheets, between the pages of a book]

the letter, in essek's fine, swirling hand, reads

_ Dearest Lady Widogast  _

_ I hope this correspondence finds you well. I must apologize for the short notice; I took great pains to ensure that everything within this parcel was perfect, for I could not live with myself were I to send you anything less. As I am sure that you, cleverly, have guessed, this box contains an outfit I have prepared with you in mind for tonight. It should fit you perfectly.  _

_ Parts of this ensemble were selected under the assumption that you and I would study together tonight after the dance. If you are not interested, or any part of the outfit makes you uncomfortable for any reason, you will not offend me if you do not wear any or all of it (though I doubt Her Luminescence would be happy if you arrived naked - ha!). I am sure you will look stunning in anything you wear. _

_ I look forward to seeing you tonight. _

_ \- Shadowhand E. Theylss _

caleb smiles at the letter, enamored only for a moment before she fully processes it, and then shes rushing to see the rest of the box's contents. 

two paper-wrapped parcels tied up in string sit neatly inside, one much smaller than the other. caleb removes them both reverently, each with both hands, one at a time. under them is a stack of fine spellbook paper and two tightly-sealed vials of ink. a note, "for humoring me," sits atop it and it takes everything in her not to scoff a laugh. it is a curse, how endearing he is.

a moment passes before she is one again entranced by the paper parcels. she starts with the larger of the two, pulling at the string with as much force as she can without risking tearing it, like the wrapping itself is somehow sacred and if she breaks it then, and only then, the contents will become real and be able to hurt her. 

but then caleb blinks and finds that the paper has been pulled back to reveal a bundle of dark fabric. she begins to unravel it and finds herself gasping for how delicate and soft it is. even as shes endlessly excited to see what exactly it is, she finds herself rubbing it between her fingers, relishing in the texture. 

"you know me too well, theylss," she whispers into the empty air.

inside the soft fabric is another bundle of a tougher, sturdier fabric, and inside that is a set of delicate silver jewelry. once she has everything laid out she is very nearly overwhelmed by the intensity of it all.

the first bundle of fabric has unfolded into a full length, dark purple gown. the sleeves will, once she's wearing it, go all the way down to her wrist and then gently cuff there. the dress itself is overall quite plain, the most ornate things about it the lace cuffs around her wrist, the decorated high neckline, and the embroidered silver trim, all the shimmering geometric shapes that caleb has gotten more than used to since arriving in the dynasty. 

as she holds it in front of her and looks in the mirror, she realizes just how long it is. even when she holds it up higher than it will sit on her, several inches of it still pool on the floor. 

the sturdier fabric appears to make up a blouse. it is slightly lighter and more vivid than the underdress but still the same deep, dynasty blue-purple with an extremely deep neckline, no sleeves, and a skirt that barely reaches calebs knees in the back and goes halfway down her thighs in the front. like the underdress, almost all of its decoration is in silver embroidery, with the skirt covered in fractal-like spirals and geometric shapes. there are laces for it to cinch slightly at the waist, and the crest of den theylss is embroidered on the left breast. it is that, for some reason, that makes caleb blush.

the jewelry could be seen as comparatively plain, having no stones and comprising mostly of simple bands and chains, but the accent it provides to the outfit is impeccable, the work is delicate and incredible, and caleb is sure that it is pure silver. there are several bracelets, a complex necklace composed of many individual pieces, a set of rings connected by chains, and a simple hairpiece. 

it is nothing like anything she has ever worn, and yet she finds herself shaking with desire to put it on.

\--

later that evening, the mighty nein arrive at the lucid bastion in their best attire. caleb feels many sets of eyes on her as they enter; she’s sure it’s obvious exactly who designed her outfit.

as expected, everything fit her perfectly, and the length of the dress even gave her the option of comfortable shoes. despite jester and veth’s prodding, she decided to go for simple hair and makeup, with a long single braid down her back and just her lower lip painted a deep black.

it isnt hard to find essek - it’s quite easy, when he wants to be found, and its everything in caleb to not stare agape at him when she first sees him from across the ballroom. 

he wears a simple suit, the jacket and pants the same dark purple as her underdress, and, in place of his usual mantle, on his shoulders he bears two complex silver pauldrons from which flows a half-cape that matches her blouse. notably, he’s lacking the covering that normally hides the fact that he levitates from onlookers. the low light from above diffuses gorgeously over him, and all the silver he wears glows like starlight.

hes stunning, confident, and when he makes eye contact with her, caleb finds herself growing warmer, even in the stonewrought ballroom.

he smirks when he sees her, crossing the room effortlessly, shoving past people with obvious urgency but enough politeness to save his reputation. it isnt until he says “good evening, mighty nein,” that caleb is reminded that she is not alone, that there are more than the two of them in the space. 

formalities are exchanged, thanks are given, beau shoots her one look while jester makes an obscene motion with her hands, and then the party breaks off to dance - and even then they arent alone, but its as close as they get as essek takes her hand and begins leading her towards the dancing pairs. she's careful not to trip over her skirt as she follows.

“i must say, caleb, you look absolutely stunning tonight,” essek says.

she scoffs, rolls her eyes. “ja, i am sure you think so. always so impressed with your own work, aren’t you?”

he pulls her in close, then, trails his fingertips down the backs of her arms. “oh, my dear, you wound me! of course i am enamored with the outfit i prepared for you, but i would see your beauty regardless of what you wore.”

“but would you still dance with me?”

his face hardens at that. “of course, but,” he laughs then, dry, “not here. can you imagine the scandal?”

caleb returns a similar laugh. “of course.”

and that's the core of it, of their relationship, courtship, romance - whatever you’d want to call it, its a scandal. theyd both lose status and respect were they found out, the bright queen’s shadowhand and the ex-vollstrucker. 

she just wants to build a space for them to be caleb and essek, wants to find somewhere they dont have to hide the raw and fearful things they keep deep inside. and for how gnarly and vile the insides of her are, what a selfish desire it is, to keep such a bright star to herself, what a-

a hand touches the side of her face, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “are you alright?” essek asks.

she nods, just slightly as not to disturb his hand on her cheek.

his other hand wraps around her back, pulls her in closer. “don’t worry, please. not tonight. ill take care of you.”

and the vulnerability is almost scarier than the idea of being caught, but she lets it in, lets him cradle her gently against his chest for just a moment.

there is then, suddenly, the acute awareness that she and essek are the only ones in the room not dancing. a quick glance around the room confirms that even the other members of the nein are at least attempting, however forced, unsure, or ignorant of social norms, to engage in the gala. she feels esseks laugh reverberate from his own chest to hers.

she blushes. “none of us know any krynn dances. i am afraid that we will embarrass you.”

“nonsense,” he says. both of his hands trail down her spine, settling on her lower back, and then there is suddenly magic, surging up and down her body, through her arms and then her legs, settling in nodes at the base of her spine and under each of her feet. she feels herself lifted several inches off the ground, leaving the hem of her dress barely grazing the floor.

“perhaps your friends will cause some ruckus in court. but you wont. like i said, im going to take care of you.”

he then begins to pull her, magnetic, across the ballroom. spinning slowly, moving them in an imitation of ballroom steps. her stomach swoops and she finds herself laughing, almost childish, like she's never flown before. and essek smiles at her and

and damn the scandal. perhaps the court of the bright queen will be suspicious that the shadowhand danced with only one of his guests, but that isnt something they can prove, nor can they prove the softness that filled esseks eyes when he saw caleb smile, or that she laughed more that night than in the past two decades of her life combined, or that the smudge in her lipstick came from a stolen kiss. 

\--

despite knowing full well what’s inside it, caleb is still shocked when she pulls open the paper of the smaller parcel and finds the most delicate black lace she's ever held. 

a full set of lingerie. its exactly what she expected and yet it still makes her weak in the knees.

considering the delicacy of it all, all the many pieces, and how long it is until the gala…

and perhaps she just wants to savor the process of it all, but whatever the reason, she's immediately stripping down to nothing. for a moment she is overwhelmed by the choices, the options to the point of bursting, but then she pauses, breathes, breaks it all down logically.

she starts with the panties. theyre mostly lace, arranged with more curved lines than any other piece of dynasty clothing she's ever seen. the crotch, however, is quite soft and cushioned, and is quite nice against her as she slides it on, shuddering as the lace drags against the sensitive insides of her thighs. 

next are the garter belts. she wraps them carefully around her thighs, pulls them as tight as she can and revels in the little pinch, the little pain as leather and metal dig into skin. she loosens them, then, remembering essek’s advice about being able to slide a finger between the belt and her thigh. then, most delicate, are the socks. the softness of them almost shocks her, makes her moan as she pulls them up her leg. her hands are shaking as she fastens the socks to the belts that keep them up, and it takes all her willpower to not message essek right then and demand he ruin her. 

but she does manage, and all that's left is the top. its a lacy bra, made with the more geometric lines she expects, and inlaid with softest silk she’s ever felt. the same material hangs from the bra, forming a sheer covering for her stomach. 

a breath in, a breath out and then she’s putting it on, closing the front clasp. 

she's immediately overwhelmed by sensation. the bra itself cups her chest more comfortably than anything else she's ever worn, than even she expected it to, and the instant pleasure has her knees give out. the extended fabric barely touches her, more decoration than anything, but where it does tickles just slightly, just enough to send her head spinning.

she looks up, sees herself in the mirror, and she needs to take a moment, the debauchery of it all, the fantasies in her head made material against her skin, made certain for later tonight.

by the time she's recovered, and prestidigitated the panties clean, she realizes that its almost time to leave, and she must rush to finish getting dressed-

\--

essek and caleb secret themselves away from the dance just before it ends. they spend enough time on the floor to avoid arousing suspicion, but they leave early enough that no one sees them go together.

_ i will be home tomorrow morning _

_ cool. at least message me later. before youre inevitably late for dinner again. veth got worried last time _

_ that isnt going to happen this time, beauregard _

_ i dont care if it does. none of us do. just spare me the details and let us know youre okay. _

the cool air of rosohna at night shocks her system briefly compared to the stuffy air of the ballroom, and she instinctively leans into essek’s side. he laughs, wraps an arm over her shoulders.

“dear oh dear, is the good lady widogast cold?”

“yes,” she sputters out, “what was all that earlier, about taking care of me?”

he laughs at that, all bright and loud, clear in the empty air. “of course, love. just a moment.”

the air crackles for a moment, magic sparking between them, and in a flash they are in essek’s study. caleb reels for a moment, caught off guard before she realizes,

“that was a very high level spell.”

“mm,” essek replies, gently setting the two of them down, until their feet are all touching the ground. (sometimes she forgets that hes still taller than her, even when he isnt floating)

“you didnt have to do that.”

“i think i did, darling, or else you would have been even more upset. besides,” he reaches behind her, begins pulling out the ribbon keeping her braid in place, “i am quite excited for what i have planned for you tonight.” 

that's enough to have her reaching behind herself, pulling frantically at the laces keeping her blouse on. essek chuckles at that, fingers gently running through her hair, undoing her braid. “im not the only one then, hm?”

“no, i-” she coughs. “i really liked all your presents.”

“oh really, which was your favorite? actually,” before she can answer, hes brought up his hand, cupping her cheek, his thumb resting on her lower lip, “don’t tell me yet. id love to get you set up first.”

the implications of that are enough to have her nodding, knees shaking as he drags his thumb across her lip, finishing the job of smudging her lipstick. 

“that's my good girl, come along,” and he leads her by the hand into the master bedroom. 

this dynamic, it isnt present every time they get together, but its common enough because they both like it essek having control and caleb giving it up in a controlled space. often its less about the sex and more about the trust, the heady depth of emotion that pulls them deeper and deeper towards an impossible future, and ending they can never have

“hush, please,” essek says as he lowers her, carefully, into a plush chair facing the bed. “please, caleb, i dont want you to be worrying about that right now. focus on me.”

and she does, her head lolling in his direction, her eyes meeting his and he smiles. 

“theres my pretty girl. come on, lets get you ready.”

he starts with the jewelry. the hairpiece goes first, carefully as not to pull to hard. she moves to help him but he stops her, shushes her and insists she let him. next are the rings, slid off her bony fingers, followed by the bracelets, and all the while hes kissing her hands with a sort of reverence he should, per his station, only hold for the bright queen herself. 

next is the necklace, his hands coming up behind her head as he presses a soft kiss to her lips. relaxation buzzes down her arms but she still has enough energy to, defiant, toe off her own shoes. 

he doesn't seem to notice as he unclasps the necklace and sets it on a small nearby table along with all the other jewelry. she just breathes, revels in it as he pulls her forward, finishes undoing the blouse and slides it off her.

“alright, im going to need you to stand up for me, dear. just for a moment.”

he helps her up, and its all the effort in the world to stay upright on her own as he snaps open the buttons at the back of the dress.

one, two, three, and then the fabric pools on the floor around her 

and then its esseks turn to gasp. mouth slightly open, he looks caleb up and down several times over. she giggles, overwhelmed for a moment with the power she can have over him.

“light above,” he whispers, worries his lip. “my good lady widogast, i am going to ruin you.”

she snorts a laugh. “you keep saying that, and yet here i am. fully unruined.”

essek smirks. “then i suppose something must be done.”

he bends down, picks her up, one arm across the small of her back, the other behind her knees. for a moment she is flying again, light as a feather in essek’s arcane grasp.he carries her several steps across the room before letting her fall onto his bed. 

the mattress sinks around her, soft and inviting, and her hair gets absolutely everywhere. by the time she's gotten it all out of her mouth essek is on top of her. kissing her deeply. his hands start to appear absolutely everywhere, running down her cheeks, pressing on her shoulders, and then down, until hes kneading her breasts in his hands and has to pull away from the kiss to moan.

he kisses her temple at the same moment he squeezes her nipples and then he just  _ holds _ it. a second passes, two, three, and then caleb is squirming, gasping out moans at the dual sensation. her hips twitch up.

“please, essek, please, i-”

he complies with a request she's too stimulated to make, slotting his thigh between hers, giving her something to grind on. her clit is already painfully hard, straining against and leaking in her panties. a moment later he pulls his lips away, whispering encouragement and praise as he squeezes her nipples tighter, just for a moment as she squeals and cries in mindless bliss, bucking up against him because she can't help herself. because the pleasure and the closeness combined are sending her high up in the clouds and already she's so, so, close she can taste it in the back of her-

essek pulls away, all at once, leaving her breathing hard, still twitchy, still close. she wants to move to soothe her aching nipples, her clit, but she doesn't. she can’t - she isn’t supposed to. she can only whine.

essek reaches down, runs his fingers through her hair, his nails gentle on her scalp. petting her. “there we are, there we are… my sweet, sweet girl. how’s that for ruined, eh?”

she wants to quip back, wants to ask him if that's all he’s got, but his hand is so warm. she leans into it, savors the sensation of his palm against her skin. its all so much, she feels like she's flying with lungs full of water.

“wow…” he whispers, his voice laced with wonder, with that same damnable reverence. “there already? wow darling. im going to get the things i need for the next step. ill only be a few moments. will you be alright?”

she nods, looks him in the eye so he knows she means it.

“wonderful. stay here - and no touching.” he presses a kiss to her forehead, and walks to the other end of the room, into a small closet.

she closes her eyes, counts the seconds hes gone - one hundred and forty-four - and breathes in time with her internal clock. comes down from the edge.

she opens her eyes when she feels a rush of magic clean her panties once more, and sees essek leaning over her. his jacket and pants are gone, and his shirt - a white button down - is fully open, its sleeves rolled up to his elbows. caleb blushes, feels her arousal start to build again.

essek sets several items that caleb cannot see on the bedside table, quickly turning his attention back to her with a long coil of rope in his hand.

he leans down, deftly wrapping a loop of rope around her right wrist.

“would you like me to tie you down tonight?”

she takes a moment, feels the rope against her skin. its soft, smoother than most she's felt and she feels even the gentle pressure of the one loop relaxing her.

“ja. nothing too, too restrictive, please, but ja.”

essek nods, and begins his work.

starting with just below her right elbow, he begins to weave a simple web of black rope against her skin, looping around several times before tying off the cuff at the wrist. he threads the slack through a hole in the headboard, reaches behind, and then pulls it through, repeating the process on her left arm, starting with the wrist cuff and going back up. by the time he’s finished, caleb’s range of motion has greatly decreased, and she certainly can’t get up from the bed, but the rope is loose enough that she could get out on her own if she tried, more decoration than anything else.

“good?” essek asks

“ja,” caleb says, sighing, “perfect.”

“wonderful.”

essek pulls himself up onto the bed, straddling caleb, and she sees his cunt for the first time in the night, and her mouth waters.

he crawls up to her, puts a hand gently on the top of her head. “ready.”

she nods, her mouth already open, and 

esseks hand in her hair clenches, and he brings her up in the same moment he grinds his hips down, and calebs mouth latches on, her tongue already licking up from his hole to his clit in firm, quick strokes. she's rewarded with a moan from essek, with the hand in her hair tightening. 

she doubles down her efforts, dipping her tongue into essek’s hole for the briefest of moments, and-

“oh,  _ fuck _ ,” he says, his voice nearly cracking, “good girl, good girl, just like that”

she settles into a rhythm, alternating between fucking into him with her tongue and licking up and down his whole cunt, grazing his clit. his thighs begin to squeeze against her ears, her moments to breathe getting farther and farther apart.

there is something so therapeutic to her about eating essek out. the closeness between them, the trust he puts in her to grind against her mouth with her teeth so close by. theres a world between esseks thighs that is separate from the rest of the world, like a pocket dimension. it almost feels like a home when she's down here, like she could build a life for the two of them on her knees, on her back, in any position he’d have her in, just to please him. 

both hands on her, now. she can feel him moving her head around, trying to find the best angle to use her (her hips buck at that thought) and it takes a bit of maneuvering against him, but she's able to get her mouth on his clit and she  _ sucks _ and he  _ screams _ .

she feels it more than hears it when he cums, the force of it shaking his thighs hard enough to rattle her teeth, send her ears ringing, and its like bliss. 

after a moment, or perhaps a day, or a lifetime, essek rolls off her, lays down beside her. they're both panting in unison, essek’s petting her face again once he magics away his own cum staining it. 

“what a good girl you are. my good girl. my good, sweet thing.”

her hips buck again at the praise, against her will. she's whining, trilling, so, so sure she could cum if so much as the tip of his fingernail grazed her aching clit. 

“i know, my darling, i know. i just need a moment, and then im going to fuck you so hard you wont be able to walk for days. im going to give you the best orgasm of your life. i promised to ruin you, and i intend to keep to my word.”

her witty retort is lost as her brain briefly stops working. 

\--

after a few minutes more of essek’s dirty teasing, he stands up from the bed and walks back over to the nightstand. caleb watches, drooling, as he carefully puts a leather harness around his hips, starts lubing up a large glass dildo.

absentmindedly, essek says, “you never did tell me what your favorite of my presents was.”

too delirious to be anything but fully honest, she says “the paper. and the ink.” he laughs, but she continues. “i mean it! not a joke. i love the soft and delicate things but the paper and the ink. they are. they are personal. anyone would buy their lover nice clothes and lingerie but you gave me paper and ink because you know me and know the kinds of things i like. i, i,”

she feels tears flow down her face, feels esseks thumbs wiping them away.

“i love you so much,” she says. its the first time either of them have said it so plain, so raw.

he presses his forehead against hers. “i love you too, caleb. i love you too, shh, shh, its alright”

and for a few minutes it is just the two of them in the dark of essek’s bedroom, close as they can be, essek comforting her as she weeps, mourns a past she ruined, a future she can never have.

\--

she stops crying, eventually, is finally able to stop her brain from thinking of the thing making her upset long enough to latch back onto essek, back into the space between them. 

“oh, there we are, there we are,” essek coos as her breathing finally evens out. “how are you doing?”

“please untie me.”

“of course,” he says with urgency, reaching up behind her wrists and pulling on a string that quickly loosens the bindings enough for her to simply pull her arm out. “better?”

she nods. “better.”

he opens his arms and she lays against him, relishes in the feeling of being held against his chest. she breathes in the smell of him, all sweat and ink, and it might not be strictly pleasant but its  _ him _ , and that's enough. 

“will you still fuck me?”

he doesn't skip a beat. “only if youre sure that's still what you want, love.”

she sighs, shaking. “yes, yes, please, just. i want to take off all the lingerie, and, and i want it to be slow. gentle.”

she feels him relax in her arms, is sure he must feel the same thing in response from her. “of course, dear. of course.”

and so they do. essek takes off her lingerie with the same delicacy with which he first undressed her, the same reverence, and he fingers her open slow and gentle.

by the time the strap is in her, she's just sitting in his lap, doing little more than rock against him and moan. it takes a while, and it isnt the most forceful or powerful orgasm she's had but,

with her lips on his, clutching his hand to tight in both of hers, she's sure its the best. 

\--

the next morning, she wakes up to the sun in her eyes, and it takes her a moment to remember that that’s unique. 

the first thing she realizes is that essek’s large bed is empty. she panics, briefly, before catching a glance of him on the balcony. despite the momentousness of the occasion, his posture is casual as he basks in the sunlight. hes put back on his shirt and pants from last night.

silent as she can be, she gets up out of bed and goes to the attached bathroom. as she uses it, washes her hands, she realizes just how much intimacy is inherent in the act of using a lover’s bathroom without asking, without having to ask because you know where it is and how it works already. she realizes with a stabbing ache in her chest that the delicate thing she and essek have built is too important for her to just let go. she throws on a bathrobe and heads back into the bedroom proper.

she walks up behind essek on the balcony, knocking briefly on the archway between them as to not startle him. he looks over his shoulder, smiles when he sees her, though his face is clearly pained.

“good morning, dear. how did you sleep?”

she nods. “good actually, better than i thought i would. how was your, ah, meditation?”

“mm,” he says, “not as wonderful as your sleep, but restful.” he turns to face her, posture still casual. “not particularly fond of this bit, i suppose.”

a small laugh that she can't keep from slipping out. “seems like it. i thought only zemnians inflicted self-discomfort as a religion.”

essek laughs at that in turn, bright and sharp. “no, no, i think most places have something like that. its just terrible.” he looks out over the city. caleb sees people crowding in the streets, far more than she's ever seen at once since she first got here. 

she wonders what would happen if she turned and kissed essek on the mouth right now. if anyone would notice. if anyone would care. 

“im sorry, caleb.”

she is jolted out of her train of thought. “for-for what?”

“i tried to keep you from thinking about, about the future. because i know how it upsets you - it upsets me too. im sorry you got so upset because of my -”

“its not your fault.”

“but-”

“essek, please. i cried because i love you. i was overwhelmed. it happens, sometimes, when im submissive. its happened before. it isnt- you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“that isnt true.”

“you know what i mean.”

“i mean, do i? the majority of the reasons that we can’t have a future together - they’re because of the horrible things ive done. you and i both know that.”

“and the rest are mine.”

“caleb-”

“essek.”

he sighs. puts his head in his hands. “i meant it when i said i loved you last night. im sure you meant it too, caleb, but this isnt going to work in the long term.”

“so?”

that appears to give essek pause. “...come again?”

a surge of confidence begins to well up in calebs chest. “essek theylss, i do not give a single fuck about the long term. i care about you. i love you. and if your past and mine mean that we cannot have a future, then i do not want a future. i want right now. i want you right now and i will want you and love you for every right now for the rest of my life. fuck the fucking future.”

essek lifts his head up, quizzical. “that isn’t how linear time works.”

she puts her hands on his shoulders. she’s giddy now, feels the brightness in her own eyes, the buzzing under her own skin. “essek, you are one of the most powerful dunamancers in the world, and, and im a fast learner. we will make time work that way if we have to.”

and now there’s tears in essek’s eyes (and suddenly caleb realizes that she's crying again, that she has been for a while and just didnt notice). he laughs, wipes his eyes. “i feel like it would be easier if i just ruined my political reputation, in that case.”

she smiles, sniffles, shifts her hands from his shoulders to wrap her arms around his neck. “ja, we could do that too.”

“fuck it, you aren’t wrong,” he says, and that’s the last thing caleb hears before he dips her, ever so slightly, kissing her. kissing her. kissing her, and she’s kissing him back, and the sunlight is warm on her skin.

and right now is wonderful

**Author's Note:**

> "im afraid im going to be late for dinner, beauregard"


End file.
